by Justin Coulson
Attention is the currency of relationships
Parents consistently assure me that they want ‘the best’ for their children. They invest time and money in education, enrichment, and extra-curricular activities to give their children every advantage they possibly can. These opportunities are important. They help our children grow and develop in valuable ways.
However, the most valuable investment we can make for our children’s development (socially, cognitively, psychologically, and even physically) is one that we often overlook because of its simplicity. That one thing is taking the time to be emotionally available for our children.
This idea seems so simple that most of us simply nod your head in agreement, shrug our shoulders, and move on to the next big ‘fad’ in parenting. But if we do that, we will miss offering our children the most valuable advantage they can possibly receive.
Here’s a simple summary of the amazing life outcomes kids are more likely to experience when their parents are emotionally available (when compared with children whose parents are unavailable emotionally):
• Better academic performance
• Better social skills
• More liked by peers, teachers, and other adults
• Less likely to engage in delinquent behaviour, early sexual promiscuity, and drug/alcohol consumption and abuse
• Less likely to experience ‘internalising’ issues such as depression, anxiety, etc.
• More engaged living in adolescence (characterised by absorption in tasks and social integration)
Being emotionally available requires us to pay attention – close attention – to the emotional world of our children, and to respond compassionately.
Just as dollars are the currency of our economy, attention is the currency of our relationships.
Being emotionally available
My eight year old daughter drove this point home to my wife and I during a recent conversation. We were conducting a parenting performance appraisal (which you can read more about on my blog). My wife asked Ella,
“Do mummy and daddy make you feel important?”
Her response:
“When you are busy you don’t listen to me properly. Like when Dad’s on the computer or you (mum) are doing craft you’re not available to me. It feels like those things are more important than me.”
Ouch. Those were her words, not mine. Our kids notice when we are not available.
A father told me he was having daily battles with his teenage daughter. I suggested he go for regular walks with her each morning or evening and be emotionally available, even if was just 15 or 20 minutes.
The first few walks were awkward. She felt like he had an agenda. She refused to talk. But within a week they were looking forward to their time together and talking more freely and pleasantly than they had for months. He complained to me (in jest) that he was thinking of making the walks less regular just so she would stop chewing his ear off!
Invite Your Children Into Your Space
Whether your child is two or twenty two, being emotionally available will improve your relationships with your children. Here’s how to do it:
Go out, turn off your phone, Ipad or tablet, and simply be together. Then listen to your child. Don’t interrupt. Don’t tell them what you think. Don’t judge. Just listen.
It may be in a park, at the beach or on a mountain trail. It might simply be wandering around your neighbourhood, or it could be at the local cafe with an iced chocolate. Just make sure there are no distractions. Then ask questions, listen carefully and suspend judgement.
Your children will love being in your space and will feel special. Invite them to allow you into their space. It may take more than one date. But if you put your attention into your relationships, they’ll become enriching sources of happiness and meaning for you.
Mums and dads who make themselves available for their children have happier families and better functioning children. Kids do best with both parents being there emotionally, regardless of your family structure. Having happy kids and strong family relationships… it’s about time.
Activities for this week:
1. Identify the barriers to your being emotionally available to your children. Is it other siblings, too much to do, failing to understand your child’s unique temperament, or something even simpler like having the radio, tv, or computer on?
2. Think of at least two things you can do, starting now, to be more available to your children.
3. Set aside some time (about 30 minutes) where each of your children can be with you or their other parent, one-on-one, this week. (If you have too many children, perhaps you might space it over a fortnight).
4. Choose one night this week (minimum) where EVERYONE commits to switch off ALL devices, screens, and other distractions from 5.30 until bed time. Spend that night as a family, talking, playing, being together.
Dr. Justin Coulson is a parenting expert and the author of What Your Child Needs From You: Creating a Connected Family available from ACER press. He blogs at Happy Families. Justin and his wife Kylie are the parents of 5 children.
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Michelle
Love, Love, LOVE this! such important advice and a good reminder that maybe we are not doing everything we can for our kids…. Thank you!
Justin Coulson
Michelle, make sure you practice the activities this week and let Candace and I know how you go with it! We’d love to hear your experiences.
Justin
Laurel
Thanks for the reminder. Valuable lessons, that’s for sure.
I had to laugh at the comment about having “too many children” though. Knowing that you have five of your own, I’m sure you just meant more than being able to do one-on-ones with each parent at one time (i.e. two). But having three myself, I can attest that sometimes being outnumbered does make it seem like there are “too many”!
Gal
I’m assuming that the wonderful results of being more emotionally available to your kids are based in research? I’m asking because I’m interested in how would you measure being emotionally available? I don’t mean to say that this is not a great advice, I’m just curious 🙂
Justin Coulson
Laurel, YES!! Having five (or 3) kids can be terribly challenging, and you’re right… I was referring to the fact that it’s hard to make the time for one on one time for all of our children in one week sometimes 🙂
Gal, the results that I’ve briefly summarised are really just a short-list. There are, in fact, many more. And they’re all clearly described in research. My book (which is linked to in the blog post) provides a smattering of specifics related to that research.
Emotional availability is measured (and has been measured) for a few decades and is typically done via self-report questionnaires. It can also be carried out using observation (expensive and uncommon), or by questionnaires completed by others including children, teachers, or social-workers.
If you simply google it you’ll find an enormous amount of empirical support for it – generally linked with attachment theory. Emotional availability is one of three elements necessary for raising happy, balanced, thriving kids. I’ll explain the next two over the next two weeks of parenting boot camp 🙂
Tonel
These are wise words and a great reminder, thank you! Looking forward to the boot camp!
Tweepwife
I’m glad to see this here. People often ask us how we have two older teens (17 and 19) who are so engaged with us and have done so well. I honestly believe that emotional availability is one of the biggest reasons, along with clear and fair use of authority, and wisdom in the giving of privileges and responsibilities. Just yesterday I had a moment with my son in which I was able to hear something he wanted to tell me about a friend that was upsetting to him and that I believe he only shared because we were spending a couple of hours together in easy conversation. You gotta be there. In spirit as well as in body. Wonderful advice.
Justin Coulson
Tonel, enjoy it! Next week, another critical element for having a healthy, happy, connected family!
Tweepwife, perfect example of why this matters so much! Especially as the kids get older – but it only happens well at the older age if you’ve been building the foundation while they’re young.
Shandra
I’m a single mom with 3 kids, only supervised visits with dad so I can’t share the time with him and yet I think the 20-30 mins/week is totally doable if it’s made a priority. I’ve often thought about having ‘dates’ with my kids but in my head put it in the category of an outing that would take a couple of hours so it became daunting in my mind and therefore I just didn’t do it. This article sparked for me the possibility that it just needs to happen even if it’s a short walk. Thank you Candace for sharing your guest with us, thank you Justin for simple and practical suggestions in a crazy mixed up world that tries to tell us everything else is more important than our time with our kids. Love it.
Justin Coulson
Shandra, yours is THE toughest job out there!
You’re right. It’s all about priorities. And the dates don’t need to be too long at all. Remember also that it is about doing our best to be available even when we’re not on dates. Please let Candace and I know how things go with your efforts.
Shelley
I am sitting here with tears in my eyes because I know I haven’t been the best parent and that my daughter deserves more.
I could make a thousand excuses as to why and how I’ve failed and how there are a million things competing for my time and energy, but all they would be is excuses. This week I have been taking a long, hard look at who I am, what I want and how I want my life to be – and all of it includes my daughter. Thank you Candace and Justin for exactly what I needed to help me begin anew and be better going forward.
Justin Coulson
Shelly, thanks for sharing. Your ability to evaluate yourself is one of the most important things you can do to be a better parent… just make sure you don’t hold yourself to an impossible standard!
So glad that this week has been a great kickstarter for you.