World’s Best Fruitcake Recipe

by Candace Derickx

I live by a simple credo — friends don’t give friends fruitcake. Maybe that explains why I have so many good friends, because I’ve never given any of them a damn fruitcake. In fact, if I gave fruitcake to someone it would be the equivalent of the mob handing over a dead fish. Read:there would be no love in the gesture.

I do have a recipe for fruitcake though that if I was ever going to make it, would be the one I used. Hell, I may call some friends over to make this one with me. Sounds like fun.

I’ve had this recipe tucked in a folder for over 20 years. It always makes me laugh during the holidays.

Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water

1 cups sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 gallon whiskey (note: rum may be substituted for whiskey)

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.

Check the whiskey again to make sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beatererers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?