Before we get this party started, let’s make one thing clear: this post is a judgement free zone. I know; it is sort of hard to believe you forgot it was Halloween tomorrow, but here in Pleasantville we understand “busy” so no worries – we’re not judging. Maybe your kids are too small to remind you of the holiday, or maybe they’re big and you assumed they’d taken care of it on their own. Perhaps you thought your partner was organizing the costumes this year or you could have sworn you had something in a Walmart bag around here somewhere!
No matter; what’s done is done, so pull your head out of the liquor cabinet and let’s see what we can do. Here are a few quick costumes for kids big or small, ranging from the ridiculous to the actually sort of brilliant. We won’t say which is which, and beggars can’t be choosers so rather than being concerned with the costume itself, try to keep the end goal in sight: a crap load of candy.
Most of these costumes can be accomplished in less than 10 minutes with very little forethought. And since you’re reading a last-minute Halloween costumes post, “little forethought” seems to be forte, doesn’t it?
Last-Minute Halloween Costumes
Have one person hold your best throw pillows against all sides of your child. Then, holding a roll of aluminum foil at bottom edges of cushions, walk circles around your child until all pillow area has been covered. Squish child in a few bear hugs to get appropriate degree of “crinkling” in foil.
Bonus points if participant will agree to sour cream container hot-glued to a headband.
Follow directions above, omitting pillows and substituting toilet paper for tinfoil.
Pray for no rain.
Go to the section of your closet reserved for days when PMS and mortgage payments collide. Choose the most matted of all your velour leisure suits. Add mismatched bedroom slippers and comb only one half of your child’s hair. Dust front of jacket with Cheezie crumbs and have them hold your Fine Arts degree.
Man, concept costumes are my favourite.
Chances are you’ve got an aerosol can of adhesive somewhere in the house. Maybe in the laundry room? Those scrapbook days were pretty grim, so you can also check the darkest corner of the garage where the smell of tears and glue dots still lingers. Don’t spend too long in there because no one needs another 115 page commemorative of the annual family BBQ. People want pulled pork and coleslaw and Pepto Bismol at family reunions, not ribbon adorned-picture books of only your children.
Okay; now spray a brown track-suit with adhesive and roll around on the leaf-covered front lawn. Avoid the dog’s favourite elimination area. Or don’t. You’ve kinda given up at this point anyway, haven’t you?
Acquire a two-sizes too large bathrobe, and wear it open over a flesh-coloured body suit. Instruct child to yell various phrases at neighbourhood children, including “Get off my lawn!” and “Imma calling the cops!” and “This isn’t Shady Acres, you lying rat-b@$tard!” Add a few large pill bottles filled with Tic-Tacs to rattle in the pockets.
Children can be prompted to ask the owners of homes they visit who they voted for in the last election, and then tell them why their choice was “dead wrong.”
Crack open your perfectly preserved wedding dress and veil. Come on. It’s not like you’re going to wear it again. You paid $4700 for that thing and you’re never going to let it see the light of day? We both know you’ll want something new for your next wedding, so really, keeping it all to yourself is just being selfish.
Select the cleanest pot from your dishwasher and give it to child to hold. There you go, kid; you’re a pot holder!
No matter which costume you choose, please have a safe, treat-filled, hopefully vomit-free Halloween! And after Halloween is over – if your children are still speaking to you – maybe consider writing the date down for next year.