Dear Gwyneth Paltrow, Leave My Vagina Alone

It seems that Hollywood must be bored with telling us all the things about our external appearance that we need to fix, because they’ve now started to focus on things that you can’t see.

First we needed to get botox, and fillers, and hair extensions and liposuction, and tummy tucks, and breast implants etc etc etc so we can all pretend that we don’t age and look as perfect as our favourite celebrities, but now it seems that the attention has shifted a little south. Like, to our vaginas.

First of all, I couldn’t care less what you decide to do with your body to make yourself feel better. If a bit of botox makes you smile, then you should go for it. Sick of your tummy after a lifetime (it seems) of having babies and you opt for a tummy tuck – awesome! Good for you. Want to give your girls a little ‘lift’ and opt for some implants, hell yes. Fine. And while I still think that there’s a huge celebrity influence that makes us actually want to do these things, if it makes you feel better then I’m all for it. But can we please leave our nether regions alone?!

Full confession – I have never let anyone wax any part of my body other than my eyebrows. Partially because the thought of hot wax anywhere near my vagina makes me cringe, and partially because the thought of a stranger applying hot wax anywhere near my vagina makes me cringe more. In general I’m not a prude, but I’ve always been perfectly happy with maintaining my own garden, thank you very much.

In the past few years we’ve seen the attention to the vagina increase incrementally. It started with shaving different designs into your pubic hair (I think that was actually porn’s influence) which was then followed by the now very popular Brazillian wax. Then we had ‘vajazzling’ which was completely ridiculous and a very lame marketers attempt at capitalizing on the booming vagina beauty trend. But now it seems that there’s a new ‘vagina’ trend in Hollywood, and we have Gwyneth Paltrow to thank for it.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle blog GOOP recently discussed the actress’s visit to the Tikkun Spa in LA.  This is where Gwyneth experienced a ‘vagina steam’ that she loved so much she had to tell us all about. “And, in addition to the sauna rooms, there’s a long menu of massages and kick-ass body scrubs to complement the sauna time. We’re burying the lede though, because the real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam: You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”

Um, no, I do not have to do that. Didn’t we all learn a long time ago that douches = bad,  even when you call it a ‘steam cleanse?’ Honestly, if I’m not letting a licensed esthetician near my goods with hot wax, I’m definitely not sitting on a toilet that shoots hot steam up my vajayjay.  My hormones have no hope in hell of being balanced anyway, so I’ll take my chances with skipping this one.  It must be a very rich person who has run out of places to spend their money that feels the need to worry about ‘cleansing their uterus.’

So while it would be naive to deny that celebrity culture has a huge impact on the value we place on our own external beauty, let’s just all agree that when it comes to our vaginas, we know what’s best. OK?