It’s the least favouritest time of the year. Spring cleaning.
I engage in spring cleaning with all the fervor of someone who invites 30 relatives to Easter dinner who will probably be checking out the relative cleanliness of the area in which they had their food prepared. Then I imagine they will probably go find the smudge of dirt I missed in the bathroom and think, “WELP, if she can’t clean a bathroom right, I’m probably going to die of food poisoning.”
Spring cleaning is something that gets a double dose of hate, because it is when I do all those things that I can be bothered only to do once every year. If I were a smarter person, perhaps I’d sort of spread all these things out over the year. But the cynic in me just thinks: HELL NO, cause then I’d have to do it TWICE.
So here are the saddest once-a-year tasks I must perform, complete with a gif to show the amount of misery it causes me.
1. Cleaning the accumulated stuff out of the dining room, which is otherwise ignored 364 days a year or used for every purpose except as a dining room.
2. Steam cleaning all the carpets.
3. Cleaning fingerprints, dust, and floss gunk off every window and mirror… and trying to keep them that way for longer than
48 24 8 hours.
4. Having to clean the inside of the oven.
5. Giving the entire inside of my fridge and freezer a “deep-clean” instead of pulling out one offending drawer and washing it.
6. Realizing that the deep fridge clean involves throwing away 137 random bottles of expired salad dressing that you don’t use that people brought and left at your house last get together. And about an entire bag full of frozen vegetables that have fallen into the bottom of the freezer.
7. Vacuuming and washing the silverware drawer, which gathers an astonishing amount of crumbs in it for a place that you keep “clean” stuff.
8. Trying to get the grout in the kitchen floor
9. Dusting ALL the things (and then trying to pawn the rest of the job off on your husband by developing a case of asthma).
10. Your husband using your dust-asthma as an opportunity to change the cleaning playlist on the stereo.
11. Giving your bedroom a top-to-bottom just in case for some reason a relative sneaks into it.
12. Scrubbing accumulated grease from cabinet door grooves next to stove. With a toothbrush.
13. Pulling out the stove so one can clean everything that’s fallen down the side, or been kicked under by your children when it’s their job to vacuum.
14. Oh yeah, ditto on the fridge.
15. Cleaning “that spot” behind the toilets that usually gets ignored.
16. And the underside of the stove hood.
17. Finding and moving all your hidden caches of feminine hygiene products that you keep in convenient locations…. and anything else not fit for polite company.
18. Cleaning the kids’ rooms yourself instead of having him do it, and discovering hidden pairs of underwear with skid marks they didn’t want you to see.
19. Thinking you’re done and realizing you haven’t touched the light fixtures.
20. Enjoying that sense of accomplishment with a full-house clean…
…for approximately 10 minutes.