Death to Speedos

By Candace Derickx

And so it happened. On a recent trip south with my girls, they noticed. They are eight and ten now after all, so naturally they are beginning to note that men and women wear wildly different attire to swim in. Some wear bikinis, some wear one pieces, some wear swim trunks and some, well some wear Speedos.

And it was the Speedos that were causing them to stare, mouths agape, horrified looks in their eyes.

So, I leaned over to them at the pool and said, “You know what those are called, right?”

Eyes wide, leaning forward they were rapt. I could see them anticipating some very adult, clinical explanation that I felt they were finally mature enough to handle.

“Banana hammocks.”

They reeled with laughter. You see, even their mother doesn’t have the maturity to deal with Speedos.

I told them flat out what I thought. That I think they’re hideous….but that we must be accepting of them, as not everyone, as they could clearly see, hated them. That it was a very European thing to wear among men and indeed, we were surrounded by European men. European men that were a little long in the tooth to be sporting next to nothing, and had a little too much hair peeking out from the top of their barely there swimsuit. Men with bellies so large that they couldn’t tell you with certainty if they were dressed or not below their belly button. Men, who in all honesty, thought they were Golden Adonis’. And to be fair, there were a few delusional North Americans thrown in there for good measure as well.

I thought to myself — “Self, what women allows her husband to go out like this? What woman can control the laughter when her husband walks out in one of these? What woman is turned on by the sight of this? Self, why is their not a license to buy one of these? Excuse me Sir, I’ll need to see your Olympic medal before you can purchase this dingaling sling.”

Surely, I couldn’t be the only one thinking these incredibly immature thoughts. Surely, there must be others. So I hit my Facebook page and asked the question:

speedo facebook post

And I felt vindicated. Yes! If I could just find a way to organize us, I really thing we could get these grape smugglers banned. Who’s with me?

Watch for my next post: Ladies – Dental Floss Up Your Butt. 9 out of 10 dentists agree that’s not where it’s supposed to go.



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  1. Ellen says

    Speedos –
    interesting topic. It is one thing to think all of those things about unattractive individuals on the beach – and another to say them out loud or to right them down publicly.
    If you dont have anything nice to say, as my father said, keep your big mouth shut.

    Kind of concerned what your young girls are taking away from this “making fun” of situation. That they can laugh and giggle at others that might not have the perfect outfit on, or the lastest fashion trend or perhaps a bit to chubby to be hanging around pool side? And as for commenting on a partner and how they could find that attractive, well again, some things are best left unsaid, it is not our place to judge. Sorry!

  2. Kit says

    I don’t know that I would want to teach my daughters that only young and conventionally attractive people should wear revealing clothing styles.
    Seems like that would contribute to self-esteem issues that young women already face in our society.
    As to your survey – I’d be more surprised if you had different answers .
    We tend to befriend those most like ourselves in thought and behavior…


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