by Michelle Iuelo
Kids come with uncomfortable conversations; they are part of the standard equipment package. I get a real kick out of watching new parents encourage their children to talk. I giggle a little inside and resist the urge to say “You might not want to do that.” You might not want to because one day in the middle of the grocery store your cute little vocabulary filled toddler will walk up to a complete stranger, poke them ‘Pillsbury Dough Boy’ style in the middle and say, “Mommy, that man has a very big belly.” You will be paralysed with horror. Welcome to Uncomfortable Conversations, the next eighteen years are going to be a lot of fun!
I love how this phase starts with enquiries about where babies come from and how the baby gets in there in the first place. Then the whole “You don’t have to tell the washing machine repair man that Daddy doesn’t understand how something that never gets used gets broken.” These primer days are the place where comical memories are created.
Soon enough you are on to handling tough enquiries about food-banks and homelessness. Explaining why people live on the street or beg for money and food. These discussions lead right into the causes of conflict, war and human sacrifice. Nobody said the conversations were going to get easier. Trying to explain child abuse, sexual abuse and school shootings will make you question what kind of world you brought your child into and terrify you to send them out into it.
Into the world they are though and there is no turning back the train on uncomfortable conversations. Next stop; puberty, drugs, alcohol, sex, texting, sexting, disease control, birth control, parties, driving, drunk driving, relationships, personal respect, personal choices, showing up at Grandma’s 70th birthday party nursing a hangover. This is going to be so much fun! If you are not at this phase yet, don’t worry, the conversations don’t happen all at once. They are more like a dripping faucet, constant, relentless and nerve testing. You can try to turn them off but they just keep coming, talk after talk after talk after… well you get the idea. It doesn’t matter that you never wanted to have a discussion with your child about when is the right time to become sexually active, and ‘How old were you Mom?’ Those conversations are staring you in the face, just like the rotund man at the grocery store who just got poked in the belly by your child. Deal.
I’m not going to lie, I’m not sure I have it in me most days to keep talking, especially when two thirds of all uncomfortable conversation is met with rolling eyes or a “Ya, okay Mom.” Some days I just want to stop talking and let them figure it all out on their own. I promise you will have days like that too.
Then one night the phone will ring like mine did this week, your teenager will be in the other end and there will be no conversation. There will be you picking up your child, their friend and their friend’s “I drank too much bucket” and getting everybody home safe. That ride I found out is pretty quiet, because all of those uncomfortable conversations have been worthwhile.
Keep talking even when you think no one is listening; keep listening even when no one is talking. Take on every uncomfortable conversation. That horror you feel in your chest will subside and if you are lucky the man with the big belly will also have a good sense of humor.
Pleasantville Note: I was looking for someone to submit posts for my business site, and this lovely lady Michelle stepped forward who had such a positive outlook on life, I immediately loved her. Then she started to submit these AMAZING, like I’m not kidding, TOTALLY AMAZING posts to the Best Tools for Schools blog.
Here’s the thing though, you might be missing out. So, I asked Michelle if I could post this week’s post here because I want you to know about her. I truly believe you are missing out if you’re not reading her stuff.
You can find Michelle on her blog The Space Between Raindrops, and you can follow her on Twitter @micheskitchen. Finally, don’t miss her weekly posts at Best Tools for Schools. Michelle will make you laugh, cry and drink. Silly me, I meant think, she’ll make you think.
The Avengers Take #1
Jen
What a timely post! Just yesterday, my daughter let out a “God knows everything” at the table (important to note – we’re really, really NOT a religious family). Unprompted. Once I got the deer-in-the-headlights look off my face, it was time for a heart-to-heart.
I’m glad my daughter asked me, rather than trust the info that the other six years olds she knows are spouting. And, while I felt a little nauseated at the thought of the conversation, I’m truly happy I could be the one fielding the questions.
And while I’m sure her new information will cycle itself around the playground and end up with more, “Um, mom…” moments, I’m proud to say I survived a big one!
Kat
We’ve had conversations about tampons, body types, visible thongs, and vaginas (among other things) – all at the top of their lungs and usually right in the middle of a busy store. As much as these times made me cringe, they also made me laugh and now I appreciate the comfort with which my kids can come to my husband or I with any topic.
I love having met Michelle and reading her Thankful Thursday posts and tweets.
Melanie
This is a great article about the lines of communication. Conversations arise at incredibly inopportune times or when you don’t think your child is ready for a topic. Set this view aside and delve in even when it doesn’t fit your timeline. I love the line in the article ‘take on every uncomfortable conversation’. Its so true. I really believe this is one of your big roles as a parent.
Currently, four of my six children are teens. We’ve developed a code here – if I’m going to be sideswiped with some heavy hard- to- hear information, my kids start with ‘mom I need to you to listen right now’. This is our code for me to take that deep breath and not freak out and listen carefully to whatever is about to be delivered. This has recently included ‘I’m fine but I just rear-ended a car abit’ (abit?) or ‘I think my friend has an eating disorder’. This code started when my eldest (now 17) was in grade 1 and got in the car after school to ask ‘so what’s so wrong about taking that first smoke again?’. I can still remember feeling shock and I tried not to freak out despite me thinking ‘who are you hanging with’ or ‘what will your be doing as a teen if you’re thinking this now’.
Not freaking out also applies to more humorous situations. My 11 year old son recently came home to announce ‘mom, I’m in a relationship’. You might not want to take him seriously but boy is there a teaching/parent opportunity here to explore the feelings he is obviously having without a value judgement (you’re too young).
Anyhow – great article. My home-made mother’s day card today from my 13 year old said ‘thanks for being someone that I can feel almost awkward-free talking to’.
Happy Mother’s Day to all out there.
Kelly
Oh, where to begin with the things my kids have just blurted out! Not to mention my husband, (the king of “open mouth insert foot”…Luckily, I don’t embarrass easily!
Michelle
I always feel lost with those religious conversations. I hardly understand our own enough let alone the other 300 that exist to feel like I’m talking with any credibility. I’ve been know to excuse myself to the washroon *I mean slink off for a secret google seach*
Sounds like you weathered it just great though after the lump in your throat went away!
Michelle
Thanks Kat! I love that you are joining in. I am so glad that Candace ‘introduced’ us – even if your tweets make me spit coffee out my nose 😉 I field all reproductive questions to Dad – I like to watch him sweat, I just wish he would.
Michelle
6 kids, 4 teenagers. *tips hat* what hair colour do you use?
I love how you have a preparation statement…great idea! Hope those kids spoiled you rotten yesterday!
Michelle
That is a very good quality! I have to walk 10 feet ahead of the rest of the family and shoot back a ‘Seriously… who is your mother?’ occassionaly 😉