Ask Millicent: We Must Be Awesome Because Our Guests Never Leave

I have a family member, let’s call him Uncle Frank. Uncle Frank doesn’t know when to leave. He will stay at our place long after all our other guests have left, completely ignoring all subtle hints about the lateness of the hour like pointed yawns and comments about having to get the kids to bed. He’ll make himself comfortable, and continue to raid our liquor cabinet until 2AM if we let him. How do I politely tell him to GTFO and not cause an international crisis?

Sincerely,

Not a Bar

Dear Not a Bar,

We all have an “Uncle Frank; don’t we? Ours comes at Easter and often stays until Thanksgiving. Sometimes he’ll even push it until Christmas but this past year we told him we were going vegan and the thought of “Festive Tofu Curd Log” was enough to send him south for the holiday season. The truth may set you free, my dear, but it won’t get Frank out of your house.

It looks like you’ve tried using hints to indicate the time to go had passed, but to no avail. Some people either don’t get the hint, or get it but just don’t care. For those people you need to take it up a notch. If you’ve been polite, direct, and pointed and all the signs are plain to see, and still Uncle Frank is not looking for his car keys, this calls for some serious action on your part.

You could try not inviting him next year. Or you could offer him a ride to your place since “you’ll be in his area” around the time he’d be heading over. If you have control of his way in, you have control of his way out. When the dishes are done and the kids are yawning, grab your car keys and tell Uncle Frank you’re leaving in T minus 30. Start the car, hand him his coat, and hit the road.

If for some reason he is able to find additional stalling techniques and refuses to leave despite a running car in the driveway, drastic action may be required on your behalf:

You need to move.

Yours,