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Things I’m Irrationally Afraid Of

1. A snake in my toilet. Seriously, sometimes I’ll just be sitting there and that’ll pop into my head and I have to look. I wonder if this is a recognized phobia? Related. I once had a squirrel in my toilet. Oddly enough I have no phobia of a squirrel coming up and biting me in the ass. Weird.

2. Sharks. Crocodiles. Alligators. Things with teeth that like to eat humans. And yet, once I climbed in a cage and got dropped in a tank with a bull shark. My stupidity knows no bounds.

3. Trains. I love riding them, but they give me the heebie-jeebies when the roar by.

4. Centipedes. Millipedes. Earwigs. Why oh why do these little ‘effers exist! I scream like a girl at the sight of one.

5. Foreign languages. Are they talking about me? Did she just say I looked fat in this?

6. A tire blow out on the highway. Whenever I see blown out tires along the road, I wonder if the people were in an accident, was anybody hurt and then for the next hour, I play it through in my head what to do if my tire does blow out. Don’t slam on the brakes, slowly take foot of the accelerator, turn wheel in direction you want to go, call tow truck, change underwear.

7. The dark basement. I still try to make it up the stairs before the lights go out. Some things never change.

8. Ducks. No kidding. Once on a trip to Mexico with my husband, a gang of ducks cornered me and some other tourists on a path. My husband had to rescue us. It was very intense.

9. Dark water. If I can’t see the bottom I routinely start freaking out for absolutely no reason at all. It’s the fear of the things that like to eat humans. Once on a night dive in Jamaica, I was totally cool while we were under the water but when we were bobbing on the surface I felt like bait. I failed to hear them shout at me to shut my flashlight off because I could only think of getting on that boat. My light attracted jellyfish which stung the hell out of my husband who was coming up behind me. I felt really badly about that. I’d do it again though. Hey, when you have an irrational fear, you’re irrational.

10. Under my bed. Not all the time, but I don’t waste any time getting up in bed if you know what I’m saying.

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